"Dave... Dave, I wish... I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you... as a ranting... raving... crazy little man with a.... a monkey head!" -SECURITY DOOR

Jimmy:"Beth, are these good luck charms or just some bizarre obsessive compulsive disorder? Beth?"
Beth:"What? Sorry I was just counting my eyebrows."
-PRESENCE (Courtesy Jill) NEW

"Lisa, if you were a tree, how would you change WNYX?"-Beth,
-WHO'S THE BOSS PT 2 (Courtesy Jill) NEW

Dave: "If you must know, we`re planning a surprise birthday party for you."
Beth: "Dave, you guys've been planning that for 3 years now and I`m starting to think it`s never gonna happen."

-KIDS (Courtesy Jill) NEW

"Lisa dresses like Nancy Drew."

-ROSE BOWL (Courtesy Tom Enroth) NEW

Guy from CD Club: "I will give you this check under two conditions. 1. Leave us alone. 2. Do not tell anyone how you ripped us off. We can not afford to lose anymore money. Now what was your name?"
Beth: "Beth"
Guy: "Beth what?"
Beth: "Just Beth."
-FREAKY FRIDAY (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Beth: You lie! (Catherine pulls out an attached deck of cards) You do not lie!
-LED ZEPPELIN BOXED SET (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Brent: What should I do with these?
Beth: What are they?
Brent: Jus things that were in my pocket that I brought from home.
Beth: Well put them back in your pocket.
-MISTAKE (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

 

Lisa: Alright look I did not ask for the stupid award.
Beth: If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on.
Lisa: I am not entirely uncute. I... I... Why are you being nasty about this?
Beth: I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute, I don't think so.
Lisa: Well I wasn't aware there was a difference.
Beth: Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or
hyperactive-- like me!
Lisa: Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth: Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa: Gorgeous?
Beth: Pretty with great hair.
Lisa: Striking?
Beth: Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa: OK, you're making this up.
Beth: That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa: Sexy?
Beth: Pretty and easy.
Lisa: Exotic?
Beth: Ugly
-RAP (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

"Oh yeah,of course,because when two women are fighting it`s obvisiouly over a man because men are all important and women are not.Men are great.  All hail king men!"

-FRIENDS (Courtesy Jill)

"You know you can't know everybody.  You just can't.  Take that guy for example, he's probably worked here for years.  I've never met him.  Who are you sir? What goes on in your little world?  What are you doing at my desk?  Hey get off my purse!"

-COPY MACHINE (Courtesy Jill)

Beth: "My parents let me watch The Wizard Of Oz when I was 5 years old and it gave me nightmares for years."
Dave: "Oh right,the wicked witch."
Beth: "No, Dorothy.  For years I was convinced that a house was gonna fall out of the sky and crush and the some farm girl was gonna come along

and steal my flashy red shoes."

-DAYDREAM (Courtesy Jill)

Matthew: "He is kinda fuzzy,isn't he?"
Beth: "Yes,for the purpose of this converstation, he`s very fuzzy." (referring to Max)
-NOISE (Courtesy Jill)

"We're not circumventing it Dave, we're trying to get around it."

-SECURITY DOOR (Courtesy Jill)

"You're pacing like a rat in one of those educational films about cocaine abuse."

(to Dave) -SHRINK (courtesy oddgirl)

"I did NOT get into this business to make photocopies on just plain white paper... I just didn't."

-TWINS

"Last time I stayed home from work sick, I went out shopping in the rain and I actually got sick.  Isn't that a wierd coincidence?"

-TWINS

"No they didn't... No it's not... You just want Catherine to see you without your shirt on!"
-TWINS(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"Matthew?... Matthew?... my little funny bunny... Matthew... my funny honey sunny bunny with tons of money...honey bunny..." -LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

Jimmy: "Wait a minute,when they were going out together, did they fight a lot?"
Beth: "That`s about all they did"
Referring to Dave and Lisa-???(Courtesy Jill)

"well it gets lonely in my little box too but I am not taking you in the bathroom with me!"
-COMPLAINT BOX (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"blah blah blah...this is an outrage!"
(pretenting to be Bill )- SUPER KARATE MONKEY DEATH CAR(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"If I take a look at the itchy red welts on your buttocks, then Dave is gonna want me to look at the itchy red welts on his buttocks, then Bill is going to want me to... the watercooler guy, do you see my point?..."

to Matthew -AWARDS SHOW

BETH: Is this one of those plans that involves someone dressing up in a fake nun outfit?

DAVE: No.

BETH: Oh, because I have one at home.

-BIG DAY (Courtesy oddgirl)

BETH: "Morning boss!!"

DAVE:"Good morning, Beth. You know, you don't have to call me boss."

BETH: "I know. I just do it sarcastically because it amuses me."

-INAPPROPRIATE (Courtesy oddgirl)

"You know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so no one will mess with you?"

-PILOT

BETH: Why don't you give me the big bonus, Dave. I'll get you a cup of coffee....

DAVE: Okay, you've got a deal.

BETH: You called my bluff, Dave.

-BIG DAY (Courtesy oddgirl)

I assume you're giving Lisa the big bonus, right? In addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis.

-BIG DAY (Courtesy oddgirl)

"Dave... Dave, I wish... I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you... as a ranting, raving crazy little man with a... a monkey head!"

-SECURITY DOOR

"Do you know what she's like? She's like a slutty version of the singing frog in that cartoon. You know, Hello my honey, hello my baby- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Here comes Dave!!!!....................Ribbit."

-FRIENDS (Courtesy Oddgirl)

BETH: "Well all I did was go for a really long walk."

JIMMY: "Where'd you go?"

BETH: "I don't know... I mean... all over the city, I guess... and then somehow I ended up standing outside Bill's apartment building and... I wanted to make sure he was... really gone, you know... so I figured out which window was his and then I just started yelling, you know, "BILL, HEY BILL!!!"

JIMMY: "And then what happened?"

BETH: "Well, finally someone opened their window and yelled down, "Shut the hell up you crazy bitch!"

JOE: "That's just what Bill would've done."

BETH: "Yeah, and that just made me think... his spirit lives on in others."

-BILL MOVES ON

LISA: "Beth, I just don't think that you should let Bill pressure you into doing anything that you do not want to do."

BETH: "What is this, an episode of Blossom?"

-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF

Beth: "I'm trying to will the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, okay. I'd like to be the first psychotic nymphomaniac to bet a big check from Ed McMahon"
Dave: "Alright, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, but I'm going to say this again because it's important, alright? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligable for the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes."
Beth: "You are so nieve, Dave."

-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF(Courtesy Oddgirl)

"Speak not to me as if a child I am."

-THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME (Courtesy Jill)

"This is like the episode of Star Trek where they're in a parallel universe and everything's the same except everyone's on heroin."

-CODA (Courtesy Jacob)

"Hey Boss! You want me to Fed-Ex anything?"

-INAPPROPRIATE (Courtesy Maria)

Bill's Letter to BETH:

Dear Beth,

I am sorry about that time I said that your outfit looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town.  I meant it as a compliment but somehow it came out wrong.

revised 08/25/99

Beth Bill Catherine Dave Jimmy James Joe Lisa Matthew Max Louis Episode Guide Guest Star Guide FVM