The Great Sir Lord Bill of McNeal Page

"Another time I was cut from the highschool football team... and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback but the McNeal's have gained a daughter"... and in front of the other players too... priceless!... good times... good times..."
-LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

Bill: "I voted for ya."
Dave: "No you didn't Bill! No one did!"
Bill: "I demand a recount!"
Mr. James: "Ok. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa and Lisa."
-WHO'S THE BOSS PT 2 (Courtesy Jill)

Bill:"Dave, everyone in that office thinks you're a great boss, every bit as good as Lisa. In fact, there was no real way to choose between you two."
Dave:"Well then why did every single person vote against me?"
Bill:"Joe voted using a computerized random number generater, Beth voted against you because Lisa gets fewer phone calls and doesn't like coffee, and Matthew is a lifelong Republican so he had no choice."
Dave:"And why didn't you vote for me?"
Bill:"I still think I did. This is one of those things we'll never know the full truth of."
-WHO'S THEO BOSS PT. 2 (Courtesy Jill)

"Don't try to confuse me with the facts."
-HOUSES OF THE HOLY (Courtesy Sundae1212)

Bill: Alright the chair costs $2000. So you have give me $1200.
Matthew: No, half of $2000 is $1000.
Bill: I think you need to get yourself a calculator my friend.
-MASSAGE CHAIR (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

"Why are you trying to steal James Caan away from me?" (To Matthew)
-MOVIE STAR (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Bill: "If Jimmy tells us to tighten our belts, well I just say, 'How tight?'"
Dave: "Do you now?"
Bill: "Yes, I do. I say, 'Cinch it up nice and snug, sir. I can take it.'"
Dave: "Really?"
Bill: "You're damn right. Why back in the early days of radio, all they had were jungle drums beating the rhythmic message of traffic and weather from village to village. But did they complain?"
Dave: "Hell no."
Bill: "Do you hear me complaining?"
Dave: "Hell no! 'Cause you got a massive, secret raise that caused all these problems in the first place."
Bill: "Exactly."
TWINS (Courtesy Tom Enroth)

Bill: - This just came in off the wire, there’s a bomb scare at city hall...
Dave: Ok I’ll get down there right away
Bill: no, you’re staying here we’re understaffed as it is. (to Lisa) Make this your lead story through drive time.
Lisa: Ok but I...
Bill: Do it now, pre commercial tease it with the line terrorist scare in the heart of manhattan the story as it breaks in 30 seconds. Beth, this is the cell phone number of the secretary that works in the deputy mayors office. Get her on the line and patch it through to Lisa. Tell her it’s a favor for Billy M.
Dave: Oh Bill I can get down there.
Bill: No I need you to pull that tape on that color and background piece we did on the bomb squad... 12/2/87... cards 3, 4 and 5.
Dave: Yeah but if I...
Bill: back in the store room, 3rd shelf from the door right at the bottom in a box mislabeled 1992 sports promo’s NOW MOVE IT!
Bill: to Joe - You still on strike?
Joe: ‘fraid so
Bill: well management sympathizes with your plight and hopes for a fair and speedy conclusion to this disagreement.
Joe: thanks dude..
Bill: (suddenly becoming an electrical engineer) ground wire from the timer was shorting out the heating element.
-WHO'S THE BOSS PT 1.

Bill: "How come no one thinks I'm funny?"
Lisa: "How come no one thinks I'm female?"
Bill: "We're misunderstood, I suppose. That's why guys like you and me gotta hang together."
-JACKASS JUNIOR HIGH (Courtesy Tom Enroth)

"This is a two-part question. 1. What does Lisa look like naked? And 2. What does Lisa feel like naked?"
-WHO'S THE BOSS? (Courtesy The Masked Assassin)

"Believe it or not Dave, you're NOT Joseph Stalin and this ISN'T Elizabethan England... I demand my right to speak. People, what is WNYX? Country Club... NO! We're a fighting unit, am I right? And what do fighting men and women (places hand on Matthew's shoulder) do when they're faced with adversity? No, they give in! Especially when they're hopelessly outmanned. So they're carting our equipment away, So What!! The only equipment this group needs is a half dozen number twos and a pair of golden throats. That's the spirit! So let's all keep a stiff upper lip and get behind Dave."
-TWINS

"Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?"
-4:20 (Courtesy Jill)

BILL: "I say we just tough it out."
DAVE: "Bill, correct me if I'm wrong but the the last time Mr. James tried to cut the fat around here, you said, and I quote, "I will drink water from the toilet like a dog before I pay for my own sodas."
BILL: "My essential position is the same."
DAVE: "No, in fact it's the complete opposite."
BILL: "Yes, and opposites attract, don't they?"
-TWINS on the budget cuts

"Wuzzup y'all! Bill McNeal saying there's a party all up in here and you need to get with the flow... Oh yeah!!! Rocketfuel Malt Liquor's got the heavy weight power when you got tha eods to rip it up to some fat bootie beast... or just chill with the honies... so get on the rocket and see the stars... Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN!!!"

"Wuzzup y'all! Bill McNeal rockin' the mic again cold representin' Rocketfuel Malt Liquor. It's got the mad flavor that takes any situation to the next level... so when the party starts bouncin' and the ladies start bumpin', tighten up your flow with Rocketfuel! Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN!!!"

"Gazziza Dilznoofus it's Bill McNeal saying get with the crezappy taste of Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... Rocketfuel's got tha upstate prison flavor that keeps you ugly all night long. So when you wanna get sick remember, nothing makes yo' feet stank like Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN! It's crezappy!!!"
-OFFICE FEUD

"Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust." - Bill to Airport clerk.
-AIRPORT

"Have you ever heard the expression, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place'?"
-AIRPORT

"Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth."
-AIRPORT

"Have you heard the expression 'only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies'?"
-AIRPORT

"You’re like one of those trained police attack dogs they set loose in the wild and then goes all soft and gets eaten by a deer or something…" - Bill to Dave.
-AIRPORT

"Screw your problem! I'm talking about me!"
-PHYSICAL GRAFFITI

"Is anybody else turned on right now?" - Bill to the staff when Lisa was talking about being in a Juvenile Detention Center.
-SUPER KARATE MONKEY DEATH CAR

"Hey, did Edward R. Murrow go through an agent when he interviewed... whatever famous person he interviewed?"
-THE REAL DEAL

"...Now available in vanilla nut flavor. So for a tasty treat that good to eat, try Soylent Green. Soylent Green is people. Soylent Green. Made from the best stuff on Earth... People!"
-SPACE

BILL: "I'm... well, I'm hurt... deep down... where I'm soft... like a woman."
DAVE: "I understand. And I'm sorry that I hurt you......Deep down inside..."
BILL: "Where?"
DAVE: (Clenching teeth) "Where you're soft... like a woman."
BILL: "Don't mock me Dave. Don't be a hurter."
-MISTAKE

"No, what I'm trying to communicate is that I'm willing to do nudity -- no extra charge!!"
(Courtesy Mary) -SECURITY DOOR

"Oh, let's all be real quiet and listen to Dave's gut."
-AWARDS SHOW

"My stomach's much flatter since I've been doing the colon cleansing."
-AWARDS SHOW

"It wouldn't be the first time this voice has saved a life. Remember last summer that guy walked in front of a bus? 'LOOK OUT!!' Life saved, thank you..."
SLEEPING(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"I'm a little busy right now... I'm helping the Captain find his way back to the good ship Crunchy goose or whatever the hell his stupid boat is called..."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON

"Jimmy, when love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap... Dylan Thomas, 1988."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON

"The fact is, the woman wanted me. And the fact that she couldn't have me made her quite simply, insane....with what the great poets have called, Manimal Lust."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Mary)

"Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it like riding a bike... or like filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt."
-LOOK WHO'S TALKING

"Hey have you seen that headset thing Jimmy's wearing? I guess if you're rich you can afford to look like a BONEHEAD!...it's me Matthew! Matthew c'mere!"
-COMPLAINT BOX(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

BILL: What about you Dave, do you have a special lady on your life?
DAVE: Uh, no.
BILL: I'm sorry, that was presumtuous of me, do you have a special "person" in your life?
-SWEEPS (Courtesy oddgirl)

"There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, I never liked you - get lost."
-CHOCKS

DAVE: "Thanks Bill, how'd you know it was my birthday?"
BILL: "Beth came around asking everybody to chip in on a cake for the surprize party they're having for you later."
-CHOCKS

Dave: "I think you're jumping to conclusions."
Bill: "Dave, I stand still, the conclusions jump to me."
-BIG BROTHER (Courtesy Jill)

BILL: "Women, can't live with them."
DAVE: Can't live without them?"
BILL: "I don't know about that part... especially when they're sneaking around behind your back.."
-BIG BROTHER

"Then again another wise man said, if you can get more money, screw your friends."
-PLANBEE

"Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?" To Andrea
-FRENCH DIPLOMACY

"If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby it's time I acted like one!"
-SECURITY DOOR(courtesy Mare)

"We'd be stuck inside, burned alive. Like those people on the Titanic!"
-SECURITY DOOR

Bill: "Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot goats."
-RAT FUNERAL (Courtesy that oddgirl)

Bill: "You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square."
Dave: "You know, I worked in Milwaukee, it's a city with a population of a million people."
Bill: "So, there must have been a lot of hub-bub when that cow got loose."
-RAT FUNERAL (Courtesy that oddgirl)

Dave: "I've got plenty of heart."
Bill: "Said the Tin Man to the Wizard."
-RAT FUNERAL (Courtesy that oddgirl)

MATTHEW: "Oh, I'm sorry... would it please the good sir Lord Bill of McNeal to join us?"
BILL: "Let's me think... Friday night... see a movie or sit around Spaz's kitchen sipping tea with a bunch of shut-ins?... Tough choice..."
MATTHEW: "They're not shut-ins, okay Bill... they're just the kind of people that like to stay inside... all the time."
BILL: "Well, it's hard to get out when you're taking care of 16 stray cats... each named after a child you never had..."
MATTHEW: "Fine... don't go... I don't... just don't go..."
BILL: "Oh c'mon pal, I'm only kidding... I'll be there..."
MATTHEW: "Really?...
BILL: "Yeah, I mean, depending on the weather, of course..."
DAVE: "Okay Bill, Stop it."
MATTHEW: "Well, it's supposed to be crisp and clear on Friday... so... "
BILL: "Oh, I'd been told hell was going to freeze over... I must've been misinformed... count me out... unless of course, the forecast changes... "
MATTHEW: (upset - fighting back tears)
STAFF: "Way to go Bill.... / What's wrong with you Bill...? "
BILL: "Ohhhh, people please... there was blood in the water... you all smelled it... I just did something about it... he'll be fine..."
DAVE: "Well Bill, thanks for that little preview of your Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech."
- LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

Dave: You do understand that the station will have to fine you.
Bill: I'm prepared for that eventuality. I'm willing to pay the price. My message will be heard... how much will the fines be?
(Dave hands him a piece of paper).
Bill: Total?
Dave: Per "penis". So, tomorrow's "McNeal Perspective" will be??
Bill: Turn Signals - How Come No One Uses Them Anymore....
Dave: Oh man, tell me about it! (Smiles and walks away).
Bill: Thank-you! (Underneath his breath he mutters), Penis!
-INJURY (Syndicated Version Only) (Courtesy Mare)

"Why would she do it, Lisa.... why would she 'french' her daddy?" (Bill divulging to Lisa about Beth's "come-on" towards him).
-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF (Courtesy Mare)

"Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man."
-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF

Catherine:"Bill,you`re locked up in a mental institution."
Bill:"And I`ve never felt freer!"-
-OUR FIFTIETH EPISODE (Courtesy Jill)

Dave:"Bill, these people are insane."
Bill:"Oh really?Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?"
-OUR FIFTIETH EPISODE (Courtesy Jill)

DAVE: "OH MATTHEW WHAT IS IT NOW... FOR GODSSAKES NO ONE'S SMOKING OKAY?!!!
MATTHEW: "BUT..."
BILL: "BUT NOTHING!!!
DAVE: "YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED AROUND HERE IS AN ANTI-WHINING ORDINANCE!!!"
BILL: "SO JUST ZIP YOUR SNIVELLING LITTLE LIP AND HAUL YOUR SKINNY ASS OUTTA HERE!!!"
-SMOKING

BILL: This idea is both fair and democratic.
DAVE: Yes it is.
BILL: And I want no part of it.
-SMOKING (Courtesy oddgirl)

"Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition! And I'm a woman!"
-SINKING SHIP

"You just threw up in the punch bowl we all share and now you expect us to believe it's Alphabet Soup"?
-ROSEBOWL

"This is how I relax, OK?!? If you think everyone is going to want to see this, go ahead, tear down the walls!"
-SHRINK Bill to Dave (Courtesy Mare)

Dave:"Could you try to eat more quietly? I can`t work with all that chewing."
Bill:"Well maybe I can`t chew with all that working so let`s call it a truce, eh?"
-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Jill)

"You're from Wisconsin... artificial light is fascinating to you."
-BILL'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

"Nobody cares how beautiful the souflette is when the appetizers are turds in a blanket."
-IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR

Matthew: "Hey, you know in Japan, you're allowed to eat seaweed."
Bill: "No, that is so fascinating I almost forgot you had presents."
-STOCKS (courtesy Brian Miller)

"Let me say to you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving, 'Give me my money back!'"
-CODA (Courtesy Jill)

Bill: "What is this?"
Lisa: "That is a Hello Kitty backpack silly.
Matthew: "That is sooo perfect for him isn't it?"
Bill: "Oh Matthew, I can't accept this."
Matthew: "Oh no please."
Bill: "Because I'm neither Japanese, 14 years old nor a girl."
-STOCKS (courtesy Brian Miller)

Matthew: "In fact in Japan they've got all kinds of different things to eat."
Bill: "Yeah, I know Matthew it's called Chinese food. Now shut up."
-STOCKS (courtesy Brian Miller)

"Give me back my wonderful words!"
-CODA (Courtesy Jill)

"Oh it's a security door? I thought they were building a giant terrarium to keep Matthew in."
-SECURITY DOOR (Courtesy Jill)

"We'd be stuck inside, burned alive. Like those people on the Titanic!"
-SECURITY DOOR

BILL: "Knock Knock"
DAVE: "Who's there?"
BILL: "Bill McNeal"
DAVE: "Bill McNeal who?"
BILL: "That's really all I have so far."
-BILL'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

"Ahhh! Nothing like that tiny new car smell!"
-BEEP BEEP

"Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom."
-BALLOON

"How was I supposed to know that there was an actual person out there called Joe Vigilanti?!"
-INJURY

"Matthew, on behalf of all of us, I'd just like to say that NOBODY GIVES A DAMN!"
-NEGOTIATION (CourtesyJacob)

"You got what you wanted from Dave, right? Then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled beartrap!" (To Lisa)
-LED ZEPPELIN (Courtesy Jacob)

Bill: "I remember one time in college we got this pledge drunk, locked him in the trunk of the car, abandoned the car in a junk yard..."
Dave: "And then?"
Bill: "What?"
Dave: "How'd he get out of the car?"
Bill: "You know what I have to make a phone call..."
-MONSTER RANCHER (Courtesy Jill)

THE McNEAL PERSPECTIVE

"When I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to another radio station as we Broadcaster's sometimes do... what I heard shocked and saddened me... I heard a broadcaster, who will go unnamed, use the word penis on the air. At 9 in the morning not just once but twice he said... that word... twice. Now as a Broadcaster, freedom of speech is my bread and butter but I'm also a big fan of a little thing called decency - the meat in the broadcasting sandwich. I am personally outraged by the shock tactics our competitors are using in pursuit of the all mighty ratings. Freedom of speech is one thing... the word "Penis" is another. I'm Bill McNeal with the McNeal perspective..."
-INJURY

GOOD TIMES - GOOD TIMES (Stories & Wisdom from Bill's childhood)
Sure, same thing happened when I was a kid... I was mouthin' off to my brother when we were getting ready for school... I'm telling you, he punched me so hard I was out for a half an hour. And when I came to I was on the school bus... completely nude of course... I remember one Christmas he stripped me naked and locked me out of the house jsut when the Carolers were arriving... Talk about a Merry Christmas... Good times..."
-LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

"I remember one time... my father came home from a night on the town which of course had turned into a week... and my Mother said, "John, is there anything you wont drink?"... and my father shot back, "Poison... I'm saving it for you." (Laughing) And I and my brother who is now an alcoholic himself... just about died laughing..."
-LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

BILL: "Another time I was cut from the highschool football team... and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback but the McNeal's have gained a daughter"... and in front of the other players too... priceless!... good times... good times..."
LISA: "And this is a happy memory for you?"
BILL: "Why shouldn't it be?"
-LED ZEPPLIN BOXED SET

"You know, my mother avoided all physical contact... something to do with germs, she said."
-OFFICE FEUD

"You know, that reminds me of the time I was elected Treasurer of my fraternity, we... nevermind."
AWARDS SHOW

"Well my mother made me wear a dress til I was 9, they make mistakes..."
-STUPID HOLIDAY CHARITY TALENT SHOW

BILL: "In the sixth grade, my three dearest friends and I made a lifelong pact that we would be best buddies forever. But then they hit puberty before I did and they kicked me out of the group and they pulled down my pants in front of a bunch of girls and beat me up.
DAVE: "That's not similar at all."
BILL: "Isn't it, Dave?"
-CHOCKS

"It's like my father used to say... when I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child... and when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

SONGS

(From: "The Public Domain" episode)

"William Clinton came to town, riding on inflation, took a town called Whitewater introduced it to our nation..." [Yankee Doodle]
"Write me a loan, Bill Clinton... Whitewater loan... I've waited oh so long..." [Bill Bailey]
"They're beautiful... the gayest guys... in our nation's Marines... what's the matter Dave... gays in the military too hot for you?" [America the Beautiful]
"...When Johnny comes marching home again... he's gay... he's gay..." [When Johnny Comes Marching Home]
"Someone's in the kitchen with Bob Dole... someone's in the kitchen with Bob Dole... someone's in the kitchen with Bob... that's really all I have right now... say, do you know if Bob Dole cooks?"[Dinah Won't You Blow Your Horn]
-"Paul, Paul, Paula Jones... she's seen Clinton nude..." [Row Row Row Your Boat]
-"Silent Night... Religious Right... Jesse Helms... sleeps tonight (Everybody!) Something, something Madeline Albright..." [Silent Night]
-"Oh Joe Camel... oh don't you cry for me... you gave my uncle cancer but you'll pay the lawyer's fee." [Oh Suzanna]
-Oh Lincoln bedroom cost this much... moolah... moolah... Good Fred Thompson says it's bunk... oh the moolah, hey.[Camptown Races]
"Twinkle, Twinkle Kenneth Starr... special Whitewater Prosecu-TARR."[Twinkle Twinkle Little Star]

(From: "The Public Domain" episode)

Bill's Letter to the Staff:

Anyhoo, that about wraps it up for me. Farewell, take care of each other, and I'll see you all when you get to where ever it is I am now. P.S. To liven up what I'm sure is an unneccessarily somber day, I've taken the liberty of treating these notes with a flammable agent that should...

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revised 01/23/00

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