"Have you been bitch-slapped?" -LUCKY BURGER (Courtesy JoeyJojo)

"OK, that was weird, so I suggest we all pretend it didn't happen"
-SPOOKY RAPPING CRYPT (Courtesy Jill)

Jimmy:"Don`t you realize she's out there alone, prey to the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City?"
Dave:"Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the streets of New York City."
-SPOOKY RAPPING CRYPT (Courtesy Jill)

Lisa: "Is Matthew still out there?"
Dave: "Yes. What's the problem?"
Lisa: "Matthew is still out there."
Dave:"Yes. Lisa, that's a problem we have to deal with everyday of the week."
-STINKBUTT (Courtesy Jill)

"So your name`s in the Bible...which is great. I have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you" (to Ruth)

-LED ZEPPELIN II

Dave: You look like an out of work porn star with that thing. (Referring to Matthew's mustache)
-PRESIDENT

Bill: Listen to this Dave, I don't want none, unless you got some buns hon.
Dave: Well, I'm pretty disappointed to hear that.
-RAP

Jimmy: Say Dave is yor mom still married to that guy? What's his name?
Dave: My dad? Yes.
-BITCH SESSION (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

"Someone somewhere wants me crazy"

-SECURITY DOOR (Courtesy Jill)

"Sorry. Guess I really should have disinfected before walking through the lab."Dave to Jimmy and Joe as they "observe" Matthew reading four books at one time.

-FLOWERS FOR MATTHEW (Courtesy Mare)

"No I am not paranoid cause I can say without a trace of irony you're all out to get me!"

-SECURITY DOOR (Courtesy Jill)

"Well at least I wasn't a social outcast in Junior High because I didn't know the difference between Pink Tuskadero and Leather Tuskadero." -To Lisa  

-MOVIE STAR

"I think a good hunting accident would really open your mind." - to Bill 

-AIRPORT

"Were you raised in a P.O.W. camp?"

- LOOK WHO'S TALKING   to Lisa

"What are these things 'trees' you speak of?"
-SPACE(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"I have never said, "Wahoo" in my life."

-TWINS

"Oh Damn, and you know how I love to gossip."

-THE REAL DEAL (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

LISA: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you cut them out of your life.

DAVE: Oh really? Isn't that actually the definition of ending a relationship?

-SWEEPS (Courtesy oddgirl)

DAVE: For God's sake, Beth, were you raised by truckers?

-SMOKING (Courtesy oddgirl)

"Surely not! Throwdini!"

-STUPID HOLIDAY CHARITY TALENT SHOW (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"...Actually Sir, for someone who hasn't had sex in 28 years I think he's remarkably relaxed!"
-THE REAL DEAL Referring to Matthew (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"Lisa has decided that she wants to have a baby but that she doesn't want to get married.  Now I know that if you were awake you'd probably say something like, "Well son, why milk the cow when you've got a fridge full of steaks."  And I would probably say, "That makes absolutely no sense, sir."  And then I'm sure you would say... "Well it sure sounded like it made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie China Town."   And I of course would say, "Well sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in the movie China Town." And I'm sure you would come back with, "Well Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job."  And I would say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two guys."   And I'm sure you would then come back with, "Dave just 'cause the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."  To Mr. James.

-SLEEPING

BILL: It smells like an ashtray when I pee. Is there anything you can do to help with that?

DAVE: Gosh, I hope not.

-SMOKING (Courtesy oddgirl)

LISA: You didn't give me that subway assigment because we're going out, did you?

DAVE: No, of course not... I gave it to you 'cause you're so darn cute.

-BIG DAY (Courtesy oddgirl)

"Hear me well. As of today, a new Dave is born. A new Dave, who for lack of a better phrase is - pure evil... and by embodying pure evil as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully re-bestowed upon me."

-PURE EVIL (Courtesy oddgirl)

"Coffee machine broken.. no coffee!"

-WHO'S THE BOSS PART 1

DAVE: "Bill had a theory that Matthew was going to the women's bathroom by accident.

LISA:  "Was he?"

DAVE:  "...yes."

-WHO'S THE BOSS PART 1

LISA:  This job... this job... I didn't know it was going to be so..."

DAVE: "... Bill-intensive... Bill-centric, Bill-a-licious, Bill-esque..."

LISA:  "No, it's like Billbastic."

DAVE: "I don't follow."

LISA: "Dave, he's driving me crazy."

DAVE: "Piano in the breakroom?"

LISA: "No."

DAVE: "Hammock in the elevator?...  Hidden camera in the ladies' room?"

LISA: "He did that?"

DAVE: "The man's just not right."

-WHO'S THE BOSS PART 1

"Lisa, we've had sex in this office so many times I'm thinking about putting a mirror on the ceiling."
-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy that oddgirl)

Beth: "Dave, what do you do when you're in a relationship and the sexual heat starts to fade?"
Dave: "Gosh, I don't know. Ask my boss about it?
-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy that oddgirl)

Dave: "Ever since I was fourteen, I always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle."
Lisa: "Well....that's adorable, Dave."
Dave: "With a space prostitute."
Lisa: "Alright, now you're joking again."
Dave: "I wish I were."
-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy that oddgirl)

"Couldn't you guys just pretend to work when I walk by?"

-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF (Courtesy Oddgirl)

Dave:"So you want to go for lunch?"
Lisa:"No,I`m not in the mood today."
Dave:"You want to get something to eat then?"
-LUNCHEON AT THE WALDORF? (Courtesy Jill)

"Alright now, I think maybe I should remind some people that answering the phones 'WNYX Newsradio' is a little more professional than 'WNYX, kickin it on the news tip."

-Episode Unknown (Courtesy Jill)

Dave: "Alright, I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does."

Bill: "A complaint about the complaint box... delicious."

Dave: "Bill, I'm serious. I am not amused, alright.  I happen to be the one who has to deal with all these complaints no matter how stupid they are."

Beth: "Well Dave, how stupid could they be?"

Dave: "Well, let's have a look here... You Suck... You Suck... Howard Stern Rules... If you can read this you are a dork... Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl... Need more complaint cards... Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a GUY... You will go on a journey happy long time [fortune cookie]... Matthew is a moron... no I'm not... yes you are... no I'm not infinity... yes you are infinity plus one... and this one... I have doobie in my funk (which I assume is from some reference to the Parliament Funkadelic's song Chocolate City... You got peanut butter in my chocolate... you got chocolate in my peanut butter... together they taste like crap... Matthew has been staring at me all day - - - and I love it... and this one says, "I try to be good hard worker man... but refidgamator so messy - so so messy..."

Lisa: "I think that ones probably from the um... janitor."

Dave: "Ohhh, oh then that one's legitemate.... uhhh, who's the black private dick the sex machine with all the chicks?..

Staff: "SHAFT!!"

Bill:  "I thought we'd all enjoy that one."

Dave: "and... Help, I'm being held prisoner in in a complaint box."

-COMPLAINT BOX

"I'm Canadian and I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two kids living in New Jersey, and at night I patrol the streets of Gothom City in my customized Davemobile."

-THE TRAINER(Courtesy LocaChica7)

Joe: "...and if you DO go to prison you should burn yourself with a cigarette so they think you're crazy."

Dave: "Of course, that can backfire... some men like their bitches crazy."

-ROSEBOWL

DAVE: "I wanted to warn you: I think Walt's gearing up to ask you out on a date."
LISA: "Oh. He already has and I said yes. It doesn't bother you, does it?"

DAVE: "Well, I think you're getting a little carried away with this whole crush thing"

LISA: "Did I get upset when that sweet eighteen year old intern from accounting had a crush on you?"

DAVE: "Oh, that's different."

LISA: "How?"

DAVE: "Well, for one thing, he was a guy."

LISA: "Yeah.

DAVE: "And he was convinced I was gay."

LISA: "Well, yeah."

DAVE: "And he brought his mother into work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband."

LISA: "It was still flattering, wasn't it?"

DAVE: "Well, Lord yes."

-4:20

"I'll tell ya what...how's about this...  I'll come over to your place tonight... completely naked of course except I'll be wearing one of those crazy African masks... does that do it for ya?  Huh, super Freak? ... that get your Mojo Risin'?"

"NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE

"NO.....GET YOUR OWN DAMN SODA.....that's really all I have for now...."
-PURE EVIL

Dave: (in drag): "...After all, I am the belle of the ball."
Lisa: "More like 'party slut'."
Dave: "Jealous."

-HALLOWEEN(Courtesy Jennifer Liao)

"How do you think it makes me feel realizing at 30 I`m much better looking as a girl?"

-HALLOWEEN (Courtesy Jill)

Dave: "Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year."
Lisa: "750?"
Dave: "One."
-BEEP BEEP

"Bill, this is really starting to resemble a scene from Fame."

-IN THROUGH THE OUTDOOR

"On the other hand,  perhaps I should hang on to this for a little while. I'm a little less succeptible to roid rage than Joe." (on receiving a sword from Matthew)

-STOCKS (Courtesy Brian Miller)

"Oh God I get it. You're gonna sell your body for crack,aren't you?"

-ZOSO (Courtesy Jill)

"Wait a minute Joe.If what you`re saying is true,than I still don`t care"

-LED ZEPPELIN II (Courtesy Jill)

Joe: "You`re living in a dreamworld"
Dave: "If I was living in a dreamworld, it wouldn't be quite like this"

-LED ZEPPELIN II (Courtesy Jill)

"I cut the snacks, the staff is angry at me, they go to Bill, Bill whips them into a frenzy and since their weak and light-headed from the lack of snack food that frenzy turns into a full scale revolt."

-MASSAGE CHAIR (Courtesy Jill)

"Is your life so boring you have to obsess with imaginary love triangles you`re not even a part of?"

-4:20 (Courtesy Jill)

Lisa: "I have decided to take the SAT's"
Dave:"Good for you.  I'm trying out for the drama club"
-ARCADE (Courtesy Jill)

Lisa:  (Throws necklace into water)
Dave:  (Popping up) "If you didn't want the damn necklace you shoulda just said so!"
Lisa:  "Dave! I thought you were gone."
Dave: "I very nearly was.  But then I decided no, I'm going to fight."
Lisa: "What gave you the strength?"
Dave:  "There are things in this living world far sweeter than anything the great beyond has to offer us."
Lisa: "Like love?"
Dave:  "I was talking about coffee.  But love's important.   By the way, do you have any?"
Lisa: "Love?"
Dave:  "No,coffee."
Lisa: "No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't."
Dave:  "Oh well then what's the point?" (Goes back under)
-SINKING SHIP  (Courtesy Jill)

"I wish I was big."

-ARCADE (Courtesy Sarah)

"I don`t know what caffine does for you,but I`m pretty sure without it your head caves in"

-SMOKING (Courtesy Jill)

"That's right Matthew... doo doo.   Doo doo... poop poop... ca ca..."

-BOSTON

"If everyone around here wanted me to jump off a bridge they'de just get together and push me."(to Lisa)

-THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME (Courtesy Lickit79)

---

Bill's Letter to Dave:

David,

I suppose I should say I'm sorry for tormenting you so relentlessly but I'm not.  You've enjoyed the game as much as I did and you gave as good as you got.  I salute you, sir.  SALUTE!  As for my eulogy, please make it as long and boring as is possible.  Anything less than 2 hours I will consider a collosal failure.

Back to the Main Index

revised 01/23/00

Beth Bill Catherine Dave Jimmy James Joe Lisa Matthew Max Louis Episode Guide Guest Star Guide FVM