"Look, I don't care what you say about me but making fun of alien technology is just stupid." -MISTAKE

Beth:"Attention everyone! I would like to annouce my latest trimuph. I call it 'Peace In the Garrelli Family'. Joe hug your brother."
Joe:"Do I have to?"
Beth:"Yes."
[Joe goes to hug Russ, Russ punches him]
Beth[to Russ]:"What'd you do that for?"
Russ:"He was making a move on me!"
Beth:"No, no he wasn't! He was trying to hug you!"
Joe:"Actually I was making a move on him."
-WHO'S THE BOSS PT 2 (Courtesy Jill) NEW

"Beth it's really important you make out with me now!"

-BOSTON (Courtesy Jill) NEW

Joe: Are you sure he didn't make Matthew cry?
Dave: No. Why does that matter?
Joe: Cause I really wanna kick that big dude's ass.
-CHOCKS (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

"She's even infused the meringue with an insoucient hint of lemon zest." (referring to Lisa's homebaked pastries.)
TWINS (Courtesy Carol & Susan)

Dave: "Is that lemon zest?"  

Joe: "You know it, dude."
TWINS (Courtesy Carol & Susan)

Joe: "Were you afrid that we were gonna kick your ass?"
Dave: "No."
Joe: "Well you should be."
-TRAINER (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Joe: "I made you something dude."
Dave: "Oh what is it Joe... a time machine?"
Joe: "Do you see a steering wheel on this thing?"
-NOISE (Courtesy Jill)

"Dave I'm  pretty paranoid person myself, but even I don't turn on my closest friends like this.  Don't play that game, it's just what they want you to do. Also I love you."

-SECURITY DOOR (Courtesy Jill)

"You think I'm one of those greaseballs who doesn't know the difference between a bow-tie and a cumberband."

-AWARDS SHOW

"Dude, normally I think two chicks gettin' together is awesome... but since you're my friend I don't think it's awesome at all..."

-BIG BROTHER

"Look, I don't care what you say about me but making fun of alien technology is just stupid."

-MISTAKE

"Duct tape was invented a long time before you were born by somebody really smart. The end"

-KIDS (Courtesy Jill)

Joe: "Why do we have to wear these stupid party hats anyway?"
Jimmy: "Cause if I'm the only one wearing a stupid party hat Ill feel like a dork"
Joe: "Why do you have to wear it?"
-BEEP BEEP (Courtesy Jill)

"Sexual harassment is no joke sweetcans"

-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Jill)

"there is one way you handle a girl like that. You get down on your hands and knees and you BEG her to have sex with you!"
-THE REAL DEAL(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"I hear a clicking. You know what, take off your bracelets. And your rings. And...and your blouse."
-COMPLAINT BOX (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"Experts say a year in New York's state schools is equivalent to five years at the Sorbonne...easy, because they are dumb and I am smart! You   know, Lisa, if you had gone to a state school maybe you wouldn't have the self-esteem problem that caused you

to balloon up to 300 pounds...250, whatever..."
-PUBLIC DOMAIN (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

Beth: "He's probably just having a weird reaction.  I'm sure we all had weird reactions when we found out."
Joe: "I know I did."
Jimmy: "What you'd do?"
Joe: "I went over my parents house at 3 in the morning and climbed into bed with them.I used to do it when I was a kid."
Beth: "That's not so weird."
Joe: "My mom didn't think so, but that was the first time I met her new husband.He was pretty uptight."
Jimmy: "Nice guy?"
Joe: "Yeah,pretty much.  He snores to much,but I put a stop to that."
-BILL MOVES ON  (Courtesy Jill)

"Lisa, we've worked together for some time now and I know you as a competent and attractive young reporter. In the past few years this fond respect has blossomed into love...I cant keep silent no longer.  I am on bended knee asking for your heavy hand in marriage, live, on the air, where our love first grew during the all important drive time period only on WNYX. Lisa,will you marry me?"
-OUR FIFTIETH EPISODE (Courtesy Jill)

"Hi....I'm calling from downstairs, and we were just wondering if you could find a way to SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"
-OFFICE FEUD (Courtesy Jacob)

Bill:  "Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?"
Joe: "Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill."
Bill: "mm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about?"
Joe: "Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha...."
Matthew: "Oh, shut up, you guys."
-BIG DAY (Courtesy Jacob)

"I got it!  We didn`t say the magic word....Pleeeease don't sell the station!

-STATION SALE  (Courtesy Jill)

 

Joe: "Dude, you can't adopt a baby."
Bill: "Why not?"
Joe: "Actually I don`t know why not but there's got to be some reason."
-LOOK WHO'S TALKING (Courtesy Jill)

Lisa: "Ted`s death was nothing but a freak accident"
Joe: "No it wasn`t.  Matthew didn`t have anything  to do with it"
-COPY MACHINE (Courtesy Jill)

 

DAVE:   "Well... so much for the legendary hobo gold."
JOE:  "It was a theory..."

-WEDDING (Courtesy Mary)

---

Bill's letter to Joe: Dear Joe, I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it.  I only did it because I enjoyed hearing your voluminous redactions on entire weekend sporting events.  One more than one occasion you helped lull me into my mid-morning nap.  For that, I'm eternally grateful.  KUDOS!  The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore.

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Revised 08/25/99

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