"You know what your problem is Dave?   You are like one of those diseased fish at the pet store that has to be kept in its own little seperate tank all by itself.The only problem is your still with the other fish!" -FRENCH DIPLOMACY (Courtesy Jill)

"What was what? Nothing happened. I'm having a perfectly normal day..."
-SPOOKY RAPPING CRYPT (Courtesy Jill) NEW

"Oh look! Matthew`s naked in the office again." NEW

-STINKBUTT

 

"What do you mean guys? I mean, do I look like a guy? Do I talk like a guy? Do I act like a guy? Have you ever met a GUY named LISA?!?! Have you?!?!"
-JACKASS JUNIOR HIGH

Lisa (to Joe): "Have you ever been bitch-slapped?"

-THE LAM

Lisa: "This is nothing but a boy's club."
Dave: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lisa: "I was just trying to think of a reason to storm out of here and that's the best I could do."
-MONSTER RANCHER (Courtesy Jill)

Dave: "Don`t worry about it babe,we all have our hangups."
Lisa: "Yeah,well that`s a stone cold bummer Mr.Natural,but you gotta keep on truckin."
-NOISE (Courtesy Jill)

Beth:"His knuckles are kind of white."
Lisa:"Dave`s whole body`s white."
-NOISE  (Courtesy Jill)

LISA: "You know what?... I have an idea... you could quit your job... and then you could stay home with the baby... just like John Lennon."

DAVE: "Yeah, that worked out great for him..."  

-SLEEPING

"so c'mon...gimme some!"
-SLEEPING (Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"You know what your problem is Dave?You are like one of those diseased fish at the pet store that has to be kept in its own little seperate tank all by itself. The only problem is your still with the other fish!"

-FRENCH DIPLOMACY (Courtesy Jill)

"It's only a matter of time before he shows up in a hair shirt and one of those black leather zipper masks."
-MEET MAX LOUIS  (Courtesy Jacob)

Jimmy:  "So I hear you got a knife-throwing act that's gonna win the contest for me, am I right?"
Dave: "Well, sir, I'm not that good..."
Lisa: "Excuse me, what?"
Dave: "I was being modest."
Lisa(talking to herself): "Don't be nervous, don't be nervous, concentrate..."
-STUPID HOLIDAY CHARITY TALENT SHOW (Courtesy Jacob)

Matthew: "Two guys....one chick....looks pretty good to me..."
Lisa: "You know what, I think I'll swim to shore. Which way is New York?"
-SINKING SHIP (Courtesy Jacob)

Lisa: "Hi, this is Lisa Miller filling in for Tabitha Soren on MTV news. I'm here with rock group Anthrax whose new album has recently been released. Now John, is there any guitar work on this album which you're particularly proud of?"
John: "You'll have to ask Scott because...he's the guitartist."
Lisa: "Oh. Well, Scott?"
Scott: "Well, most of the major guitars where done by our friend Dimebag Darrell..."
Lisa: "Oh yeah, from Pantera(pronounces it Pan-terr-ah)." <Anthrax guys laugh.>
Lisa: "What?"
Frank: "It's Pan-TARE-a."
Lisa:  "Oh. Well anyway, some say that grunge music has seen its day in the sun. What do you say about that?"
John: "We don't know, we're not a grunge band."
-NEGOTIATION (Courtesy Jacob)

"Where's everyone get the idea that I'm some kind of office supply whore?"

-STOCKS (Courtesy Jacob)

"Let's just calm down, alright?  There's no reason to panic about this. They're not going to come in and fire everybody.  They'll probably hold us all to our contracts, and then change the format to soft rock of the 70`s until we get so sick of "Afternoon Delight" that we kill ourselves and they'll hire new people to fill our positions.

-STATION SALE (Courtesy Jill)

"If he could juggle, you'd be pregnant right now." (to Beth referring to Mr. James' nephew, Theo)
-HOUSES OF THE HOLY  (Courtesy Joey Jojo Jr)

"He must be warping them on the inside in some way we can`t see."
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING   (Courtesy Jill)

"Is this some kind of special playground for screwed up kids or something?"

-LOOK WHO'S TALKING (Courtesy Jill)

"You ARE the Unabomber, aren't you?" (referring to Joe)

-CODA (Courtesy Jacob)

Lisa: "Could you stand up and turn around, sir?"
Jimmy: "What for?"
Lisa: "I just wanted to see what I'm getting, because as of now, your ass is mine."
-PRESIDENT (Courtesy Jacob)

"I yearn for you to plunder me sexually!"
-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy Jacob)

"I curse you and your domain" (placing hand covered in chocolate on Dave's door)

-SPOOKY RAPPING CRYPT (Courtesy Jill)

---

SONGS

"Come Back, Lisa"
Come back, Lisa
You little love killer
Come back, Lisa, Lisa Miller

-ZOSO (Courtesy TGJLP)

revised 08/25/99

Beth Bill Catherine Dave Jimmy James Joe Lisa Matthew Max Louis Episode Guide Guest Star Guide FVM