"Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave... there is a saying, I cried... because I had no desk until I met a man who had no feet... and the no feet guy explained that there was such a thing as a budget... and WNYX was way way over it. The End".  -TWINS

Stephen Root

"Riddle me this boy wonder" (to Dave)
-BALLOON (Courtesy Jill) NEW

Jimmy: Lisa, I told you to leave all your personal problems at home.
Lisa: Matthew is the problem.
Jimmy: Oh I get it. You and Matthew are having a relationship outside the office.
-CHOCKS NEW (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Mr. James:  I have made an addition to my list of potential wife candidates:
Dave:  Oh really, what's her name?
Mr. James: Ruth.  You know, from the Bible.
Dave:  Which one was she?
Mr. James: The one named Ruth.
LED ZEPPELIN II NEW (Courtesy Sundae1212)

Jimmy: Guess what Matthew's password was.
Lisa: Matthew?
Jimmy: No
Lisa: Brock?
Jimmy: No
Lisa: Cat?
Jimmy: Yep
-FREAKY FRIDAY (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Jimmy: Say Dave, what happened to that picture you had of your mom?
Dave: Would you believe that somebody stole it?
Jimmy: Oh yeah! (with a smile on his face)
-Can't remember (Courtesy Masked Assassin)

Lisa: I'll do the photo shoot.
Jimmy: What?
Lisa: I said I'll do the photo shoot.
Jimmy: Well I don't want you doing anything you don't want to do.
(Right after Jimmy was arguing about advertising)
-RAP NEW (Courtesy The Masked Assassin)

SECRET OF MANAGEMENT

#1-Measure twice, cut once.

#2-No shirt, no shoes, no service.

#3-Don't do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow.

#434-The boss is never wrong.

#435-When in doubt, see secret #434.

#437-It's hard to fly with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

#597-Whoomp! There it is!

-THE SECRET OF MANAGEMENT (Courtesy oddgirl)

Mr. James: "Dave, whenever I have  a bee in my bonnet... I find it helps to take my hat off."

Dave: "Meaning...?"

Mr. James: "Meaning I take my hat off, the bee flies out... do I need to draw you a picture?"

-AWARDS SHOW

Mr. James: "You know, when I was in school there was this kid right, he wanted to play football more than anything - coach wouldn't let him because he wasn't big enough... but... did he give up?"

Dave:   "I'm assuming for the purposes of this story, no."

Mr. James: "Damn Straight!"  No, it just made him try harder and harder, I mean the kid ate like a wild animal everyday, I mean he pumped iron all night long and after two months he got a hernia............. makes you think, huh?."

Dave: "I really don't think I get the point."

Mr. James: "Oh yeah, there's one more thing.  That kid's name... that kid's name was Richard Nixon."

Dave: "Richard Millhouse Nixon?"

Mr. James: "What the hell's his middle name got to do with anything?  Dave, the point of the story is... ahh let's see... hernia, wild animals, Nixon... hell, it's in there somewhere.  I'm glad I could help you out."

-AWARDS SHOW

"Dave, if medicine tasted good, I'd be pouring cough syrup on my pancakes."

-AWARDS SHOW

"They don't call me the great communicator for nothing."

-AWARDS SHOW

"Nooo, that's the same technique that 60 Minutes uses to get that guy to admit he's selling heroin to pre-schoolers..."

-THE PUBLIC DOMAIN

"Dave, loosen up a little bit. A good boss has to loosen up now and again. Case in point: me. I'm half loaded right now."

-INAPPROPRIATE (Courtesy oddgirl)

BILL:  "Give a man to fish... feed him for a day... Teach a man to fish..."

JIMMY:  "And he spends all his time in the basement tying flies and neglecting his personal hygiene."

-STOCKS

"Let me tell you something, little Miss... Advertising pays our bills, alright... advertising pays your salary... advertising is what made this country great... What was the Constitution of the United States?... No!  It is an advertisement... an advertisement for liberty... when in the course of human events... I'm telling you... that's up there with 'Put a Tiger in your tank' and 'Where's the beef'... Don't you understand?  I'm sorry... I've got to get some air...  Hell if it wasn't for advertising... you know what you two'd be doing, huh?  You two'd be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks... 'cept they wouldn't say Sesame Street on them.. Nooo... they wouldn't say that... that would be....?  ADVERTISING!!! That's Right!! Hell, if you two had your way there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street would there?... Would there?!! There'd be no Ernie would there... Nooooo.... there'd be no Bert... bye bye, bye bye to Grover... bye bye to Cookie Monster... NO! There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there, and get that trash can... cause there'd be no Oscar the Grouch... NOT TO MENTION... KERMIT, THE DAMN FROG!!!!"

-RAP

"I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breat implants"
-FRENCH DIPLOMACY (Courtesy Jennifer Liao)

"The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'... you know what it is... I had the book translated in to Japanese then back in again into English.  Macho Business Donkey Wrestler... well there you go... it's got kind of a ring to it don't it?  Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three... which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence...  I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut... my hut... but Jimmy has fear?  A thousand times no.  I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung.

...Glorious sunset of my heart was fading.  Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space.  But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match.  The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.

Question: Mr. James, what did you mean when you wrote bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, War War?

Answer:  Well, you know... it's LIKE when a clown is making like a car... racer... it's sorta... like... the FCC.  The CLOWN... the clown is like the FCC...  and I was opposed to the FCC at the time, right?  So it was like I was declaring War.  WARRRR!.

Question: So then did the American yum yum clown monkey also represent the FCC?

Answer: Yeah, it did.  Thanks a LOT!

Question: What did you mean when you said, "feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey?

Answer: (Sigh)

-SUPER KARATE MONKEY DEATH CAR

Mr. James: "They've done documentaries about all the heavy hitters... I'm talkin' about Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne..."

Dave: "Sir, Bruce Wayne is Batman..."

Mr. James:  "Shh, Shhhh..."

THE PUBLIC DOMAIN

"Ah, Dave Nelson and his robot buddy, fightin' crime..."
-COMPLAINT BOX(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!"
-SLEEPING(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"You go girl!"
-SLEEPING(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

"and I was walking towards a bright light...and I heard Dave and Lisa arguing 'I want a baby. a what? a baby. well ya can't have a damn baby.' and on and on and on until I started RUNNING toward the light..."
-SLEEPING(Courtesy Christine from Australia)

JIMMY (referring to Lisa): You got a thing for her?

DAVE: Uhh, Of course not!

JIMMY: Good. Don't dip you're pen in the company ink, that's what I say. Don't punch a clock with a time card in your pants.

-SMOKING(Courtesy oddgirl)

JIMMY: "To hell with that... I think we should just die with our boot on."

DAVE: Sir, what are you talking about?"

JIMMY: "Aww nothing, I just wanted you guys to notice my new boots."

-SMOKING

"MATTHEW!! I'm trying to work something out here... I don't need you bouncing around like some kind of freakin' lab monkey!!!"

-CHOCKS

"Greetings, wage apes."

-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy that oddgirl)

Jimmy: "Have you ever *seen* a talking pig?"
Beth: "I don't think the pigs really talk. They do it with computers."
Jimmy: "Oh. Well a *computerized* talking pig. What the hell are they gonna think of next?"
-NO, THIS IS NOT BASED ENTIRELY ON JULIE'S LIFE (Courtesy, that oddgirl)

"Shredding the instructions for the shredder. Talk about your mindblowing irony.....Dare I ?......Look at it go!....Now where the hell is that speed control?"

-FRIENDS (Courtesy Oddgirl)

"You want my advice?  Well, I'm not gonna give it to ya."

-THE CRISIS

LISA: "Mr. James, if Dave finds it cathartic to work on the eulogy more power to him."

JIMMY: "Cathartic... ooh, that's big word for a pie-eyed drunk."

-BILL MOVES ON

JIMMY: "I was at home when I got the call...and the whole situation (heh) got me so angry... and confused... I sorta punched a hole in the wall."

LISA: "Did you hurt yourself?"

JIMMY: "No, no, it was just drywall... Even though I specifically told my contractor to use concrete... so of course, that made me angrier so I went outside and saw the Landscaper's backhoe and I kinda sorta drove through one side of my house and out the other.

LISA: "So basically you kinda destroyed that house you've been building for 3 years?"

JIMMY: "Yeah yeah, pretty much... but thank God... thank God I had that tree fort built or I'd be sleeping on the street right now."

-BILL MOVES ON

"Matthew... do I look like a man who would enjoy a game of Goofy-Ball?"
-GOOFY BALL (Courtesy Steve Netta)

"In the immortal words of Van Halen-before that dumbass Sammy Hagar came along and ruined everything-'hot for teacher.'"
-KIDS (Courtesy Jacob)

Jimmy: Don't you know the benefits of getting along with a mob?
Dave: No....
Jimmy: Take that mob of villagers that chased Frankenstein through the streets. Now, wouldn't it have been smarter for Frankenstein to pick up the torch and help the villagers hunt down some other freak?
Dave: That's a very good point, sir.
-MEET MAX LOUIS (Courtesy Mare)

"Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guidline.  I'm dealing with a cooperation here, not magical fairies."

-STATION SALE(Courtesy Jill)

If Henry Ford and John Chrysler had been sleeping together, hell, we'd be all travellling around in horse buggies.

-THE CANE

"Hold it! You're trying to tell me that Catherine quit because Bill chews with his mouth open?"

-CATHERINE MOVES ON

Jimmy: "There was no incident?"
Dave: "No."
Jimmy: "No ugly scene?"
Dave: "No."
Jimmy: "No one got slapped?"
Dave: "No."
Jimmy: "Sure this is Catherine we`re talking about?"
-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Jill)

Matthew:"Do you want to hear how it really happened?"
Jimmy:"From you?... no."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Jill)

Jimmy:"Not only is that incedibly hard to believe, it tells me nothing about why she left."
Matthew:"Oh,you want to hear why she left."
Jimmy:"Agian,not from you."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON (Courtesy Jill)

Jimmy: "...maybe this will change your minds a little bit."
Dave: "Mr.James,this isn`t really an issue of money."
Lisa: "This paper says 'Please'."
Jimmy: "I'm actually willing to say that if that's what it takes."
-BEEP BEEP

"You do realize, of course, that all these people are insane."
-CATHERINE MOVES ON  (Courtesy Jacob)

"Sorry Dave, no tap-dancing. Fruity acts don't go down well."
-STUPID HOLIDAY CHARITY TALENT SHOW (Courtesy Jacob)

"I haven`t read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey was never actually gonna shoot somebody"

-REVIEW (Courtesy Jacob)

"I am cipher, cipher....wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce..."
-PRESIDENT (Courtesy Jacob)

"You got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on crack"

-MASSAGE CHAIR (Courtesy Jill)

"Woah, woah....what is this, the Ellen DeGeneres show?"

-HALLOWEEN (Courtesy Jacob)

"Nice ass, fresh meat"

-JAIL

"D'I say sit on my bed, BITCH?!!"

-JAIL

Beth:   "Dosen't he wonder how the candy got there?"
Jimmy:  "No, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurance."
-STOCKS (Courtesy Jill)

Lisa: "I am NOT Dave!"
Mr. James:  "Dave would never say that..."

-THE  SECRET OF MANAGEMENT (Courtesy Maria)

"You know when I said you look like you'd lost weight?  Well, I lied, go find a treadmill, you fat son of a bitch."

-CLASH OF THE TITANS (Courtesy Jennifer Liao)

"Kidnapping... it's not just for kids... anymore."

-STINKBUTT

"You can call me Smimmy."

-FLOWERS FOR MATTHEW (Courtesy Christian)

Bill's Letter to Jimmy:

Dear Jimmy,

What can I say?  The fact that you trusted me enough to share a few of your deepest secrets with me means a lot.  I only hope that someday you'll reveal with the rest of the world the actual culprits behind the assassination of John F. Ken...

Back to the Main Index

revised 08/25/99

Beth Bill Catherine Dave Jimmy James Joe Lisa Matthew Max Louis Episode Guide Guest Star Guide FVM